Muted….but still thinking!
Some thoughts are like ghosts.
Short ‘n sweet. No…am not talking about some poem…am talking about a gal I knew. We went to the same school for a year. We came across each other frequently, me and that gal, at school. She had spectacles on and looked very confident. She was as old as I was and her class room was adjacent to mine. I had got habituated to rubbing the board, standing at the tail end of any line we formed and occupying one of the last few benches, owing to my height. Her experience must have been quite the opposite ‘cos she was the shortest in her class. I used to notice the constant presence of a smile on her face. She was always busy talking. We’d just smiled at each other once or twice and spoken to each other a few times. She was just another gal in my school.
I was an introvert by choice. I never did any talking until and unless I had to. I sometimes would simply say that I don’t know something, even if I did know it, if explaining it to the person concerned would mean a lot of talking. I used to be happy on my own. No big dreams…no ambitions…no worries….no friends…nobody at home to talk to. It was just me, my stuff and my thoughts in my little room…defocused and insecure.
End of that year, we took our own paths and I never saw her for the next few years. Years rolled by and school days were over in a jiffy. I was in college. Life had taught me some tough lessons by then. I had traded fears for visions. I had big plans. I’ve had my share of sorrows, the sorrows that left me with a new surge of energy. There were many changes- physical, emotional, psychological…. I was full of spirit and confidence. I had many friends. So, there I was with a naughty mind on my shoulders, a silent devil, still with my thoughts in my little room…fully focused and fearless.
Meeting people you already know is one of the commonest occurrences in any college. There were hell a lot of known faces. This gal was there too. Her class was on the 3rd floor, mine on the 2nd. I don’t remember when and how we started yapping and for what reason under the sun, but from the day we started, there was NO looking back. I found myself waiting for the lunch break every day. The minute the lecturers in our respective classes left, Vroommmm…2 wizards would disappear from the class rooms. The rest of the lunch break was thorough fun. We talked about every damn thing- You know what….I think I’ll do this in the next 5 years….Dad yelled at me this morning..it was’nt my fault….I hate that gal in my class…. This teacher is a perfect pain in the ass….What about the weekend?....Do you believe in ghosts?....Did you see that guy in red..smart!...Life is tough, u know!-*giggles*…*sobs*…*angry outbursts*.....*laffs*….*mental wheels at work in full throttle*……..
It was not just fun. It was much more. This friendship taught me that it’s important to take life as it comes, take everything in my strides and move ahead. Life had not been easy for her. In fact, my loss didn’t seem to be as mammoth as hers. She had not lost just one but many things in life…things that every person ought to have and enjoy. In spite of it all, she was always smiling and ever ready to listen. Bravery at its best- that’s what I think. I was obsessed about my academic performance and she was always there …ever ready to get me on track when ever I tripped….ever ready to pat me on my back with every step I took. Her reassuring words induced immense confidence in me, and she was very generous with them. There was no restrain when it came to encouraging me. She was happy when I excelled, even when she didn’t. Not many can do that to some one who is a competitor….friend or otherwise.
I was out of college and we moved apart again. We had both opted to study further and were now in 2 different colleges. It made no difference though, many thanx to BSNL. We yapped endlessly. Dads, at both the ends, yelling about the telephone bills burning huge holes in their pockets, were put on IGNORE mode permanently. We were always up-to-date with what was happening in the other’s life. Both of us even had a fairly good idea about each of the other’s classmates. The course that I was perusing was a trifle bit tougher and that made her encouraging words much more important to me.
It was towards the fag end of this phase at college that she fell ill. She had some weird symptoms and was diagnosed with a fatal illness, the illness that had attributed to one of her sorrows in the past as well. I hate to cry ‘n I never do, but those few weeks, I cried whenever I was alone and thought about her. It somehow made me feel better for a while.
I had to move to b’lore and this made it impossible to visit her. She was soon too ill to be able to talk over the phone. We more or less lost touch, but I never failed to think about her or pray for her. I wasn’t asking for much. I only wanted justice. Those were the days when I really hated destiny from the bottom of my heart. She did not deserve to suffer or die. NO. SHE DID NOT, but she eventually did….. I was muted.
She had doubtlessly made life sweeter for the people around her in every way she could.Short and sweet…..her life had been! I still think a grave injustice has happened and for once, destiny has made a gross miscalculation. I can never forget the days we spent together, the talks we’ve had, her smile, her words, our little secrets, triumphs, trials…. All these will remain as misty images in my mind. One clear thought- the thought of a friend, found and lost will stay on....
As I said, some thoughts are like ghosts…they haunt you forever!
Short ‘n sweet. No…am not talking about some poem…am talking about a gal I knew. We went to the same school for a year. We came across each other frequently, me and that gal, at school. She had spectacles on and looked very confident. She was as old as I was and her class room was adjacent to mine. I had got habituated to rubbing the board, standing at the tail end of any line we formed and occupying one of the last few benches, owing to my height. Her experience must have been quite the opposite ‘cos she was the shortest in her class. I used to notice the constant presence of a smile on her face. She was always busy talking. We’d just smiled at each other once or twice and spoken to each other a few times. She was just another gal in my school.
I was an introvert by choice. I never did any talking until and unless I had to. I sometimes would simply say that I don’t know something, even if I did know it, if explaining it to the person concerned would mean a lot of talking. I used to be happy on my own. No big dreams…no ambitions…no worries….no friends…nobody at home to talk to. It was just me, my stuff and my thoughts in my little room…defocused and insecure.
End of that year, we took our own paths and I never saw her for the next few years. Years rolled by and school days were over in a jiffy. I was in college. Life had taught me some tough lessons by then. I had traded fears for visions. I had big plans. I’ve had my share of sorrows, the sorrows that left me with a new surge of energy. There were many changes- physical, emotional, psychological…. I was full of spirit and confidence. I had many friends. So, there I was with a naughty mind on my shoulders, a silent devil, still with my thoughts in my little room…fully focused and fearless.
Meeting people you already know is one of the commonest occurrences in any college. There were hell a lot of known faces. This gal was there too. Her class was on the 3rd floor, mine on the 2nd. I don’t remember when and how we started yapping and for what reason under the sun, but from the day we started, there was NO looking back. I found myself waiting for the lunch break every day. The minute the lecturers in our respective classes left, Vroommmm…2 wizards would disappear from the class rooms. The rest of the lunch break was thorough fun. We talked about every damn thing- You know what….I think I’ll do this in the next 5 years….Dad yelled at me this morning..it was’nt my fault….I hate that gal in my class…. This teacher is a perfect pain in the ass….What about the weekend?....Do you believe in ghosts?....Did you see that guy in red..smart!...Life is tough, u know!-*giggles*…*sobs*…*angry outbursts*.....*laffs*….*mental wheels at work in full throttle*……..
It was not just fun. It was much more. This friendship taught me that it’s important to take life as it comes, take everything in my strides and move ahead. Life had not been easy for her. In fact, my loss didn’t seem to be as mammoth as hers. She had not lost just one but many things in life…things that every person ought to have and enjoy. In spite of it all, she was always smiling and ever ready to listen. Bravery at its best- that’s what I think. I was obsessed about my academic performance and she was always there …ever ready to get me on track when ever I tripped….ever ready to pat me on my back with every step I took. Her reassuring words induced immense confidence in me, and she was very generous with them. There was no restrain when it came to encouraging me. She was happy when I excelled, even when she didn’t. Not many can do that to some one who is a competitor….friend or otherwise.
I was out of college and we moved apart again. We had both opted to study further and were now in 2 different colleges. It made no difference though, many thanx to BSNL. We yapped endlessly. Dads, at both the ends, yelling about the telephone bills burning huge holes in their pockets, were put on IGNORE mode permanently. We were always up-to-date with what was happening in the other’s life. Both of us even had a fairly good idea about each of the other’s classmates. The course that I was perusing was a trifle bit tougher and that made her encouraging words much more important to me.
It was towards the fag end of this phase at college that she fell ill. She had some weird symptoms and was diagnosed with a fatal illness, the illness that had attributed to one of her sorrows in the past as well. I hate to cry ‘n I never do, but those few weeks, I cried whenever I was alone and thought about her. It somehow made me feel better for a while.
I had to move to b’lore and this made it impossible to visit her. She was soon too ill to be able to talk over the phone. We more or less lost touch, but I never failed to think about her or pray for her. I wasn’t asking for much. I only wanted justice. Those were the days when I really hated destiny from the bottom of my heart. She did not deserve to suffer or die. NO. SHE DID NOT, but she eventually did….. I was muted.
She had doubtlessly made life sweeter for the people around her in every way she could.Short and sweet…..her life had been! I still think a grave injustice has happened and for once, destiny has made a gross miscalculation. I can never forget the days we spent together, the talks we’ve had, her smile, her words, our little secrets, triumphs, trials…. All these will remain as misty images in my mind. One clear thought- the thought of a friend, found and lost will stay on....
As I said, some thoughts are like ghosts…they haunt you forever!
PS: This blog is dedicated to my late friend S. It’s been a year without her. With every passing day, I value her friendship more ‘n more ‘n more….
posted by Xena at 10:29 PM
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